away

i miss everything
and want to be home.

How Lucky Am I?

Honestly.
I've lived my life without an ounce of misery that could compare to what others have been through. i felt i've suffered but was it really suffering or just me being too weak? that's all it ever is though, isn't it? when things go bad, there's always a way to make it right, or to make it feel better. and when things get worse, there will always be a way to make it feel better. that's always been my point of view.

i'm not the type to complain, or at least i try not to. but whenever i look back at something i've done, i can't believe how much i really do complain, and about nothing at all. i'm one of the luckiest people i know and it might sound either cocky of unbelievable because nobody ever says that they're lucky compared to others. they always make themselves believe there life has sunk down to the lowest that it can't get any lower. they always go "fuck my life" or "my life sucks" and this is the reason i'm careful not to let those words slip out of my mouth because truthfully, i know life treats me well.

so how lucky am i? i have a boyfriend who loves me, great friends, great family and i think i can see future within reach now. so why is it that i doubt so many things in my head. why do i always expect more when i know it's all unnecessary. maybe that's how everyone else really is, maybe it's in everyone's heads.

Soon You'll Be Free

I hate the feeling you (or just i) get when you're away for a bit and feel so much more comfortable than you do at "home". then when you return "home", it doesn't really feel homely at all. more than that, it feels as if you've been gone for so long everything is out of place and it's that you feel you don't belong that gets to you the most. right now i'm feeling as though i'm living in a dream and all i'm doing is waiting to wake up. but i won't wake up, not for another few months. or a few years. hopefully i learn that this is no dream and that it's actually my future in the making, and maybe that'll be enough to make me find "home" in a place like this.

there's a list of songs that's always at the very top of my list. it's sad that every one of these songs take me back to one point in my life not too long ago that i really wish i was still living in. these songs are the ones that make me feel at home, but they're the ones that take the most out of me everytime i listen to them because i know that time is long gone. now i'm just waiting for another period of time that will make me feel the same way i did before. hopefully when i return, things will be the same.

don't worry or fret
what you hear is temporary
soon you'll be free.
- desperate desperado: you never would