The Countdown Begins..

There are twelve days left before I pack up my things and move down to socal. with each day gone, i've begun to feel more mature after making contact with strangers about our future home, arranging rent, preparing what i need. I've still got a list of things to do:

-pack
-buy art supplies
-contact usps/dmv
-contact u-haul
-purchase furniture

there's still a number of things i want to do before i leave

-go horseback riding
-beach
-some needed shopping.. (;
-find more time for my momma
-bake some cupcakes (or anything)
-see some people i haven't seen enough of lately

the last one is both general and specific. I should really start packing..

Shopaholic

NOT ONLY have i read up to the fourth book (I normally don't read, be proud of me!), I am also becoming one.
.. okay I've always had somewhat of an addiction to shopping but lately I've grown bored of going anywhere outside my house, and then when I'm bored in my house there's really nothing else to do besides online shopping! I should really stop while I'm at the point where i have like..

four cardigans
two tops
two pairs of shorts (at least)
three - four skirts
3 bags
some SHOES

.. on my shopping list. not to mention some car accessories.
I've already spent so much money lately and even more when I get art supplies. shit.

Not So Summery

The weather this summer blows. It's not even hot! It's morning right now and cloudy outside, it couldn't all be because of the wildfires, could it? And I thought it was called global warming.

My apartment situation down in LA is almost settled. I'll be living with two complete strangers and one girl I've just met about two months ago; all four of us squeezed into a two bedroom apartment less than 900sqft big. I hope nothing gets awkward. I'm gonna miss all the people who I know I will rarely or never see again. I'm gonna miss my mom. I'm gonna miss pebbles. I'm gonna miss this small city I've gotten to know so well. The fact that my move-in day is less than a month away and I haven't seen as many faces as I wanted to this summer, I wonder if I'll be missed too.

Raise Your Glasses For A Final Toast.

so i figured.. schools ending soon and a blog was inevitable.
but it's not just 'school' thats ending. it's all of high school. it's all of grade school. it's all of childhood. all that was easy, all that was comfortable, all that was safe. who will stay with us after we leave, who will be only a memory, and who won't even make it as far as being a memory. high school didn't seem like much to me during my first three years; although it seemed to go on forever at days, and others seemed like i had just woken up and class was over already. this last year really brought it all together. to prove me wrong in so many points and wake me up from a dream i had cradled in my arms for so long. i have become close with some unexpected and distant from those i never thought i'd ever lose sight of. but that's not what i came to talk about.

what was the importance of this experience? was it really the lessons in math? the essays in lit, the labs in science, the miles in p.e.. to some, it might have been. but mostly, i think it was the people. the environment, the society. i think back to the beginning, in elementary school, to my friends who i still see daily. they were the ones who have truly affected me. to create me; to break me down to the bits, and build me up to be bigger and better. those who have seen me at my lowest, and at my greatest. they were the ones who have given me the most. the ones who taught me something that i will actually remember. the ones i will never forget.

and now right when graduation is over, it's gonna hit me harder than ever before that my safety zone is leaving me. it's not me leaving this sheltered city of cupertino, but it is my friends who will be separating. they were my shelter, my safety net. when i leave, who will i still fall back on? am i going to have to find others? am i going to have to give it my all just to keep in touch with my close friends. and what if i was completely on my own? even though that may not be a possibility, i'm going to have to expect it. all my life, my mom has told me that i may not be ready for the real world. that it is going to be tougher than anything i've experienced so far. if that's so, then i'm just going to prepare for the worst, and hope that the outcome will be easier than what i had anticipated. would that work? i feel like with what i have, even if i were to try my best this world would still eat me alive.

and so this is a final toast (maybe, not really) to high school, grade school. to the naive, to the troubled, and only the beginning. i could leave it saying thank you for trying to prepare me for the future. or rather, not preparing me enough, keeping me comfortable, so that i may enjoy my childhood happy and carefree. yes, that's it. i can't wait to see what the world is like.




jessica wanted to be in here.
kit. hags. <3

Life With and Without

you're always so close and yet so far. you've been the closest to me for the longest time but you don't know how hard it is for me to get through to you or to you at all. you hold back so much and even though you say you could open up to me like you never could with others, as soon as you feel insecure about having me around you shut me out immediately. I know it's not your fault that you have to, i know it's easier this way for you so you don't have to feel hurt. I may be the same if i were in your place. but i don't wanna be shut out like that. i've tried, you've seen me try. i'm sorry i'm leaving, believe me i was excited when i thought i might be sticking around and we could still be close, but it's possible to be close and live far apart too. let me try. i don't wanna have to spend our last few months hanging out knowing we're just going to say goodbye.

i loved you, i loved taking care of you and you taking care of me. i loved how close we were and how comfortable we could be. i loved that we always went to look for each other at lunchtime and we could just sit and eat and that would be all. i loved taking random walks with you just so we could talk about anything and everything that bothered us. i didn't know that i didn't try hard enough, i can't even remember what had happened. things fell apart real quick and it seems a little late to patch them up, but we never know. you told me once that a girl and a guy could never stay best friends after highschool, and i didn't believe you. i didn't picture ourselves as a different type of "best friends", i didn't see different gender or different levels. we were equal and so good at it. when i talk to you now i don't know if i see something different in you, or maybe something different in me, or maybe we're just not used to each other anymore. but i wish things were different, because i miss it all. if you ever need me, i'll still be here and i'll try hard to be the same as before.


i've been feeling pretty hopeless lately. it feels as if college is racing towards me and all i can do now is wait. wait to see what happens, where it takes me, or what it takes away from me. i should stay strong, i need to rebuild.

Forgotten.

and left behind.

It's Complete!

finally, after months procrastinating and being clueless as to what i had to do and where it would lead me, i finally completed my portfolio. this portfolio is dedicated to otis. it's not a bad school, although i heard it's rather easy to get into which is probably the only reason i actually applied. i remember i found out about it because my brother had one of their books, or whatever it was, sitting on the desk back when he was applying for colleges. I never opened the book, but i loved its cover. i'm sending everything in so late, i'll probably be pushed back to the spring semester (that is if i even get in).

that's all i have to say about that.

Spring Break

it's spring break now.

i'll make this a good one. i must finish my otis requirements (essay at least). my portfolio is almost complete, although i'm not completely satisfied right now i'm hoping a few edits will change that. and some more good quality time with my favorite woman, which may mean more tanning!! (and yes, i expect to return back to school a few shades darker.) i'm hoping this will be one of those breaks that leave plenty of good memories. i feel like laughing at something completely stupid, haven't done that in a while.
who's excited for DCON? it better last =(

At Peace.

How right you were that this subject can't be avoided. i've been having many mood swings lately, but all i want to be is happy and reassured about my future, about our future, everyone's future? i find myself caring less about where i end up going (just away from home) and more about where others are going. more about whether they're happy with where they've got to go. and as for me, i'm hoping for, at least, acceptance to one school so i can worry less about having nowhere to go. why in the world did i have to wait so long to finish my first application. because that's what i do when i'm scared. i wait and believe that i have the power to hold back time. oh, i was so wrong.

here i am, talking about college when it's the last subject i want to hear.

i've been listening to a lot of Beatles lately, since my brother brought home his rented Across The Universe. a few nights ago, my momma was sitting near me on the couch while i played some old, familiar songs. She told me how old she was when she used to listen to these songs. She had been around my age, listening to Beatles, Elton John, PaulSimon and ArtGarfunkel. and now, being the same age she was, i'm listening to them too. It's kinda amazing how time flies and some things can still remain the same. I hope, if time were to fly as quick for me, that some things will still stay the same in the future.

Ready, Steady, Go.

you really think you're all that great?
make some room for self-improvement, why don't you.

fine. i will.




some pictures.

One By One My Strings Tangled Into Knots

life is so strange now.
everything comes unexpected and like never before. things are so different and they don't seem to be changing back. at least not anytime soon. now they're piling up in ways i've never had to deal with before. i don't know why i don't attempt to fix things. i believe that's just how i am, which is never a good thing. i let things go too easily, even when i said i never would. i'm hoping the people i believe in are still true and will stay forever. but that's hard to say since i'm the one that's constantly changing. all the things i've lost are of my own faults and i can say that's not a good feeling. and what i've gained and still have, i intend to keep for as long as i can.

Out of Boredom 2.

it's winter break.. fourth day in. that was fast.
i have nothing to do right now.. so i'm going to make a list.

- LayangLayang
- JakesRestaurant?
- film for Diana+
- 6 complete graphic pieces
- photography
- tobecontinued..

food&art overtake a majority of my life..
sad. i would've added 'tanning' if it werent for our stupid weather.
now i'm going to go back to being bored.

Scared

of you?
sometimes.
♥♥♥

Desolate Deserts

yahh..
- - - - -

"I can't believe that we've survived
the silent songs the night conspires
while we sleep all alone in our beds
waiting for our eyes to fall and rest
remember when we used to think that
all of our childhood dreams would fall into place
by some heavenly grace
but now i can see
I've made a big mistake"
-Daphne Loves Derby: Desert Eating Oceans

Yakisoba is Taking Over My Life.

i mean that literally, but i bet i can squeeze an analogy in it. i was introduced to this delightfully easy-to-make, not-quite-ramen-but-just-as-good dish about a month and a half ago, however it wasn't until recently that i've become obsessed with it more than i am with harim's korean ramen (s.ko only). $1.99 for three packets. three packets = three meals. now, unless you intend to eat more than one pack per meal, i would say two dollars for three meals is a very good deal. fry an egg (sunny-side up preferably) to put ontop and i'm satisfied. it's so simple, and so good. that's all i need, really.

so here's my analogy, i told you i could make it happen. afterall, yakisoba is the miracle food. my life has finally began to resettle. and although there isn't much, i have all i really need. i have found my happiness in some very important people, a pet, and my growing love for my hobbies. i have a bffl<3 we know it, others know it (they better know it) and although i don't show enough appreciation and love i hope she'll know it's always there. i really do love hanging out with this girl, she's really the only one who could make me laugh till my muscles are in pain. and when she's doing something so stupid i know she can't do in front of anyone else but me, that shows a lot<3 our love for cooking, arts and crafts, photography, uno and jenga is all we need to keep ourselves entertained for hours. then there are times when we just walk (or drive) around telling each other whatever it is that needs to be let out, that feels really good. i hope that for life we'll stay as close as ever that even our dogs will grow old together. how romantic.

i got something very unexpected this summer. it's still kinda crazy when i think about it, never would've guessed anything would happen between us. i meet this random Asian Guy at the billiards one who later i found out was one of Those Asian Guys (oh, one of them). we're only acquainted every once in a while for almost two years and suddenly we're hanging out almost every day. how nice =) who knew how good he'd be for me. when before we never bothered to say anymore than hello and how are yous. it feels like he's everything i wanted that i never really had before. i hope i deserve this.

so there's how yakisoba is taking over my life. but i'm okay with it because it tastes good.
it's late. i'm tired.
goodnight.

Effects

i could be wrong.

will our future change us, or do we change our future. would it all be nothing but a memory.

"You make it seem like yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't i?"
-Mae: Skyline Drive

Snapshots to Come..

i've received my Canon camera in the mail =) and oh god is it beautiful. the clean crisp focused objects are orgasmic. so expect many more pictures to come =)

Out of Boredom..

Christmas Break Checkoff List:
- Ramen
- MarioSunshine
- Benihanas
- Pasta/Ravioli
- Oakland/Macarthur (19th St.)
- ChristmasTreePictures
- SantaHats
- SushiArt
- Video
- Illustrator(Portfolio)Works
- Diana+(Camera)
- PhotoStudioSupplies
- take lots of pictures (debatable)

that is sad, less than half?
today i got the 120Film i needed for my Diana+ camera, and spent forever (in the dark) trying to figure out how to work it. sadly, i won't know if i did it right until after the pictures are developed. let's hope.
---

"Karma Police
I've given all I can
It's not enough.
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll."
- Radiohead: Karma Police

A Day for Cupcakes

These were the most colorful cupcakes i've ever seen and they were GREAT. icing+food coloring clearly mix well together. for wayne's 18th birthday (what better way for a big boy to celebrate his 18th birthday than to eat 18 pretty cupcakes). i think baking is best for a wet, cloudy, rainy kinda day. too bad we didn't get to rent a movie. and we didn't get to make our sushi either :\ oh well. its okay, the colored icing made up for it! i took loads of pictures but indoors doesn't have the best lighting for cameras so most of them turned out blurry and a bit too yellow/blue for their own good. not even photoshop can save them now :(
So it's the last Saturday night before the end of holiday break (and probably the last blog before school begins again) so it's time to discuss. i'm satisfied with this break, got through lots of things i wanted to do. well, not that much but did some things i didn't plan to do either and had fun. did lots of random crafts (aka cooking). hung out with people, saw the people i wanted to see and slept till noon at least once. overall, these two weeks were very well enjoyed and spent and i think i'm ready to go back to school. now obviously, i can say this with so much more ease than just about everybody else since my schedule is almost like not having school at all. whatever, let's recap. break started with winterball which was awesome with or without the music. i think i liked sitting on the ground next to empty chairs better than being shoved on the dancefloor. the next thing i clearly remember must be christmas morning, when the family + my brother's gf took a walk by a lake and i got to take a shitload of beautiful pictures which i should (somehow) post up sometime. that day was freaking pretty and i'm actually glad i walked that mile with my parents around. later, went over to uly's and kicked jess and take's asses in marioparty (just cause uly and i pwn all in that game). christmas in the park. ice skating under the stars. benihana's. mimi's for breakfast. roasted marshmellows (and failed attempt at s'mores). urban and the mall. ORDERED MY CANON REBELXT ONLINE. RECIEVED MY DIANA+ CAMERA IN THE MAIL. i'm so excited for my two new cameras; now someone tell me where i can find 120 film. plenty of things accomplished over two weeks.

it's too late to blog,
continued later.

First of 2008

"Lately I've been hoping you can stay with me,
And I could hold you close 'til the end of time, yeah.
Maybe someday we will grab some change and run away,
but for now I'll learn to say goodbye."
-Daphne Loves Derby: Simple, Starving To Be Safe

♥♥♥

i believe i have quoted too many of their songs. but its only because they have lyrics worth quoting.
new January archive. my collection is growing!!