Life With and Without

you're always so close and yet so far. you've been the closest to me for the longest time but you don't know how hard it is for me to get through to you or to you at all. you hold back so much and even though you say you could open up to me like you never could with others, as soon as you feel insecure about having me around you shut me out immediately. I know it's not your fault that you have to, i know it's easier this way for you so you don't have to feel hurt. I may be the same if i were in your place. but i don't wanna be shut out like that. i've tried, you've seen me try. i'm sorry i'm leaving, believe me i was excited when i thought i might be sticking around and we could still be close, but it's possible to be close and live far apart too. let me try. i don't wanna have to spend our last few months hanging out knowing we're just going to say goodbye.

i loved you, i loved taking care of you and you taking care of me. i loved how close we were and how comfortable we could be. i loved that we always went to look for each other at lunchtime and we could just sit and eat and that would be all. i loved taking random walks with you just so we could talk about anything and everything that bothered us. i didn't know that i didn't try hard enough, i can't even remember what had happened. things fell apart real quick and it seems a little late to patch them up, but we never know. you told me once that a girl and a guy could never stay best friends after highschool, and i didn't believe you. i didn't picture ourselves as a different type of "best friends", i didn't see different gender or different levels. we were equal and so good at it. when i talk to you now i don't know if i see something different in you, or maybe something different in me, or maybe we're just not used to each other anymore. but i wish things were different, because i miss it all. if you ever need me, i'll still be here and i'll try hard to be the same as before.


i've been feeling pretty hopeless lately. it feels as if college is racing towards me and all i can do now is wait. wait to see what happens, where it takes me, or what it takes away from me. i should stay strong, i need to rebuild.

Forgotten.

and left behind.

It's Complete!

finally, after months procrastinating and being clueless as to what i had to do and where it would lead me, i finally completed my portfolio. this portfolio is dedicated to otis. it's not a bad school, although i heard it's rather easy to get into which is probably the only reason i actually applied. i remember i found out about it because my brother had one of their books, or whatever it was, sitting on the desk back when he was applying for colleges. I never opened the book, but i loved its cover. i'm sending everything in so late, i'll probably be pushed back to the spring semester (that is if i even get in).

that's all i have to say about that.