you're always so close and yet so far. you've been the closest to me for the longest time but you don't know how hard it is for me to get through to you or to you at all. you hold back so much and even though you say you could open up to me like you never could with others, as soon as you feel insecure about having me around you shut me out immediately. I know it's not your fault that you have to, i know it's easier this way for you so you don't have to feel hurt. I may be the same if i were in your place. but i don't wanna be shut out like that. i've tried, you've seen me try. i'm sorry i'm leaving, believe me i was excited when i thought i might be sticking around and we could still be close, but it's possible to be close and live far apart too. let me try. i don't wanna have to spend our last few months hanging out knowing we're just going to say goodbye.
i loved you, i loved taking care of you and you taking care of me. i loved how close we were and how comfortable we could be. i loved that we always went to look for each other at lunchtime and we could just sit and eat and that would be all. i loved taking random walks with you just so we could talk about anything and everything that bothered us. i didn't know that i didn't try hard enough, i can't even remember what had happened. things fell apart real quick and it seems a little late to patch them up, but we never know. you told me once that a girl and a guy could never stay best friends after highschool, and i didn't believe you. i didn't picture ourselves as a different type of "best friends", i didn't see different gender or different levels. we were equal and so good at it. when i talk to you now i don't know if i see something different in you, or maybe something different in me, or maybe we're just not used to each other anymore. but i wish things were different, because i miss it all. if you ever need me, i'll still be here and i'll try hard to be the same as before.
i've been feeling pretty hopeless lately. it feels as if college is racing towards me and all i can do now is wait. wait to see what happens, where it takes me, or what it takes away from me. i should stay strong, i need to rebuild.
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I told myself the same things. It's happened so quickly. Now it just seemed "too little, too late" I don't know. I think you think that I shrugged it off after awhile. I'm very good at making myself look like I've moved on. It's so hard to look at past webcam pics and look back in highschool because all I see is you. There will always be arguments on how our friendship deteriorated so quickly, but what's the point of all ofthat anymore? You're going to Otis, me Irvine. It's not hopeless and I'm not heartless either. I've changed a lot, but I'm still me. There's times when I feel like I need a certain someone to vent to. Not rowe, cindy, not janet, not justin. It's at those times, I realize I'm trying to find you. But everything has changed so much now. We're almost like new friends. It's so weird. There's always that chance with you and me. I would love to prove my older brother wrong.
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